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| My first time nursing Hannah (left) and Charlie (right) |
Breastfeeding for most moms is not something that just comes naturally. Almost every mom I have talked to have had some bump in the road. For me, I have had a lot of bumps. With Hannah I went into breastfeeding wtih thoughts of unicorns and rainbows. I knew that there was a decent chance of stress and hurt that would come along with a tiny little mouth nursing on me nearly 24/7 but I wasn't prepared for what our journey would look like. Prior to birth we took bradley classes, focused on a natural birth for optimum breastfeeding success, read books and tracked where and when the local La Leche League meetings were. When Hannah was born she was a large and bruised baby with the biggest cheeks I had ever seen. We called her Big Bertha. Our birth plan asked that no bottle, formula or nipple make it's way to our babies mouth. Birth's never go according to a plan. Hannah came out with a bang in a short 8 hour labor and roughly 2-3 pushes. She was 9lbs 2oz, big by some standards and because of that and how fast she was delivered it was decided it was medically necessary to feed her formula regardless of the fact that she latched immediately after delivery just fine. That is one of the few pictures I have of Hannah breastfeeding and although it shows more than I would prefer to show, it's all I have and I continue to cherish and share that picture because of it. After they brought her back from a brief stint away from our room the lactation consultants handed me a nipple shield. Everyone asks the same questions, did she have issues latching, were your nipples inverted, etc and the answer to all of them are no. Why did they give me the nipple shield, I have no idea. It was not necessary in our case and it was one of the pieces that let to a shorter than preferred breastfeeding relationship.
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| A peaceful nursing moment with Hannah |
At the hospital and for a while after I left I tried over and over to get Hannah off the nipple shield. She would fight and scream. Sometimes she would latch but then immediately let go. We went to LLL meetings, we saw lactation consultants, and I talked to my small network about options. Then I got mastitis. I went to the local urgent care at 9pm with infant and husband in tow and was prescribed an antibiotic by a doctor who didn't take effects into mind when prescribing. I checked in with my OB the next day only to find out the antibiotic was not a great option for breastfeeding moms and quickly switched to a new one. My supply dropped a little but we kept on. Then at about 6 weeks I found myself with an incredibly unhappy child who was now losing weight according to the doctors. I will never forget that moment in the pediatricians office. A tired a defeated new mom with a baby who seemed to cry at the sight of her breast feeling like the ultimate failure. As I cried in my husbands arms I watched the pediatrician feed my child her first taste of formula. I was heartbroken. Even as I type, I find myself tearing up because the emotions of the moment continue to be so raw. After gulping down the whole bottle she slept and slept and slept. And then she had a GIANT poop. We at least giggle about that still. Our supplementing had started.
With supplementing came pumping and herbs and tears. After discovering the bottle, Hannah wanted nothing to do with my nipple. I still continued to fight because it was so emotional and I was not ready to let go. Every LLL meeting I attended I felt guilty when I pulled that bottle out after trying to nurse my screaming baby. Everyone made it look so easy! Why wasn't it easy for me. As a new mother I was filled with anxiety. I had a friend who would meet me at the mall and we would nurse in public together. I will never forget that support. But I also remember being terrified that my child was going to start crying for milk the minute we were around people. I was terrified to pull out that nipple shield because there is no graceful way to put a nipple shield on in public. There were just so many layers of anxiety around breastfeeding but then add the terror of doing it in public and you had one stressed out mom.
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| My beautiful formula fed baby |
I went back to work when Hannah was 4 months. I remember leaking through several nursing pads a day and pumping regularly. It didn't matter. The damage had already been done with all of our issues from day one. The only time I could find a happy nursing moment was when she was sleepy and in bed with us. So I continued to nurse her until she was about 7 months old mostly at night where we could be at peace. I remember asking one of the LLL leaders if they ever thought there was a time that nursing had become so mutually emotional and exhausting that it was ok to quit. They told me no....I never went back to that meeting. One night my husband and I sat down after several repeated days of crying on both mine and Hannah's part and discussed stopping our breastfeeding relationship because it was just too much stress for all involved. I still have to try hard to look back and recognize how great it was that I was able to provide her with breast milk for the amount of time that I did. I continued to fight for breastfeeding moms rights watching my list of friends grow who actually had a dog in the fight. I found a village to help me raise my child who was a mixture of parenting styles and beliefs and it helped me find my foothold as a parent who was confident in my decisions and continued to stay informed. If you haven't guessed this already this is my local babywearing group. It's no wonder I have stayed involved for so long. It took a while for me to not feel incredibly akward seeing other moms breastfeed in public but eventually it happened, that day that I didn't bat an eye at seeing a breast right next to me nourish a child.
When we discovered we were pregnant with baby Eaton #2 we had a lot of decisions to be made. The first was where to give birth. Breastfeeding played into our decision to have a home birth. I wanted to have the highest possibility I could of having a successful breastfeeding relationship this round. Hospitals and doctors are great, especially when there is an emergency and you need them. However, hospitals also have a much higher probability of interventions because, well they are there as an option. At a home birth many interventions are removed because they just aren't necessary like nipple shields and bottles with formula. After giving birth to Charlie I was able to sit on the bed for a whole hour and just let her latch. For me, it was healing. I let her latch as much as she wanted for the next few days for as long as she wanted. I practiced all the techniques I had used with Hannah in hopes for success. I did get sore but not like with Hannah. I used cream and let my breast hang out for everyone around to see because that was what I was told to do so that I could heal. At five days post partum we took a short trip to target to get necessities and the dreaded public crying happened and I decided to give it a go. Here I was, breastfeeding my newborn in public for the first time and you know what was missing for me....the anxiety. It wasn't there and I didn't care who had issues with me feeding my child. Go ahead and challenge me, I dare you my mind said. Well, no one has dared me yet and I have nursed in public several times since then both in a carrier and out of a carrier, exposed and covered.
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| A quiet nursing moment with Charlie |
Don't get me wrong, it's been almost 5 weeks of breastfeeding Charlie and we have had a few hitches along the way. I had a plugged duct which we quickly took care of with lots of rest thanks to my dedicated husband. I have had soreness off and on. I have been touched out a few times where I just needed a little space. I have had a back that was uncooperative and was crying in pain while I nursed my little Charlie. I cry thinking about going back to work and having to pump. And every now and then when Charlie is crying for no reason like babies do, I offer her my breast and she refuses, I panic a little thinking back to all those times with Hannah. But you know what, we are doing it and we continue to work on it so we can keep our breastfeeding relationship going as long as it's beneficial for both of us. I try to not make issues when there aren't any and just keep a smile on my face and enjoy that little hand hugging my boob as she is cuddled close.
So next time you see a mother nursing whether it's in her home, in public, discreet or not just remember that although we may look tough as nails and confident in that moment, nursing is an emotional, loving and connected journey that every mother has a different experience with. The one thing we all have in common during this journey is the need for support and community.
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| Having a moment with my girls |
So next time you see a mother nursing whether it's in her home, in public, discreet or not just remember that although we may look tough as nails and confident in that moment, nursing is an emotional, loving and connected journey that every mother has a different experience with. The one thing we all have in common during this journey is the need for support and community.
